dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
