What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
