Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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