I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
