he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
