Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
