The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize