at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
