At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
