Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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