I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
How does one acquire holy water?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
