Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
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He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
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Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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