i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
