Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
