I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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