I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
