New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
