Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I cut my penus on the lid.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
