umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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