Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
