remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
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I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
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Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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