Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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