She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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