I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i want to swaddle you in tequila
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize