His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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