Whod you bang
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
