Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
