You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize
