Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
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Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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