Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
