I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
