There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
