Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
