hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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