A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
