I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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