I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
