Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
