I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Randomize
