It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
