so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
