I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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