I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
