I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
