When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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