One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize