Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
