I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
