I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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