I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
