i permit you to call me
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
