saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
