I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
