My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
