dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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